Lately, I’ve been not feeling. I mean, through the past few months the only thing that helps me keep going is the act itself. I get up and go to work, sometimes 10 hour days, and can’t keep myself awake by the time I’m done doing everything else after work. I’ve always known that I was like this when I was forced to let go of something. I’ve always just kept myself busy until I could stand to think about whatever had happened. If it’s a break up or someone has died (2 deaths and a heartache! Definitely a country song waiting to happen!) and my heart and soul are broken and grieving, then I cope by staying busy.
There’s a verse in the bible that says “be still and know that I am God.” My heart hurts so much it’s been since the end of June since I could let myself feel the hurt that I push back, deny, and act as if it doesn’t exist. I’m angry. I’m so angry with God right now. I don’t care what His plan is, and I do believe He has one. I don’t read the bible regularly and I don’t attend church. I do have a relationship with God, but sometimes it’s difficult to even want to talk to Him when I am so angry that He has taken my sister and my grandmother in such a small time frame. So I’ve avoided being still. I’ve avoided contact with Him. It hurts too much to understand why, to NOT be angry about this. I want to rant and scream, “What did we do to deserve this?? You couldn’t figure out a different way??” So yes, I’m a believer in Jesus and I know He is the lover of my soul…the balm that I need….but it’s beyond imaginable to talk to Him. I just feel so much pain. But He created me and so I trust Him, like a child trusts their parents, that He is going to take care of my soul and help me through this.
Break ups are hard, too. But in the end, you have to know what you want. There’s always going to be a carrot at the end of the stick that seems to keep you coming back, and that can be a hard thing to ignore. But if the carrot isn’t what you want, and only temporarily satisfies you, then eventually it isn’t appetizing anymore and you become indifferent to it. Someone said something the other day that really rang true for me in this situation: Relationships work when the connection is felt by both people even when they can’t be together. I guess for me that’s what I want, and what I’ve been missing. It’s difficult letting go of so many relationships at once, but at the same time I guess in a way there’s a multitude of growth that will come from it as well.
I know that Tonya died so quickly, so unexpectedly, and at such a young age that it makes me want to take care of her kids and erase their pain. I want to erase my brother’s pain that he hides SO well. I know from her death and my aunt’s death a decade ago that life is too short to hang on to what I know isn’t bringing me joy, comfort, hope, trust, laughter, companionship, etc. If it’s not inspiring and nourishing in some way, I have to let go of it. So I let go of him, too.
I know that people always say they’d wish for more time with the ones they’ve lost, so it sounds cliché. But I know that I’d never stop wanting more time with them. I think the reason why people don’t mind the idea of death is that they know the people they love aren’t here anymore. It’s a lonely world to live in after so many have passed.
I don’t have any living grandparents now. Grandma Gloria was the last one. I was never really close to any of them while growing up, as my parents were divorced and I didn’t see my father’s parents often. My maternal grandfather ran a business and my mother wasn’t close to him. But my love for history and culture, and the change in my grandma’s attitude since my aunt died, made it easy for us to grow closer over the last few years. She loved telling me all kinds of stuff about her family history, and since I do the family tree, it was amazing that I could just call her anytime and talk about anything with her. We’d be on the phone for hours. I miss her so much.
Going through all of this is bound to change the way I see life. I’m okay with that.