Being in a relationship with a narcissist is incredibly draining. It’s unbelievable in its complexity and in its simplicity. You’ll analyze what you did wrong, and how you can help by being better next time. You’ll stop remembering who you are, and slowly losing yourself as each day you encounter a world that is built around someone else. The narcissist will do nice things for you to keep you hooked, and he’ll keep tearing you down after he builds you back up. Why? Because he wants you to remember that HE is the person who makes you a person. You are only worthy when he says so, and you learn to believe it, even if you don’t know it yet. But he has decided that he is in control of who you are, what you do, who you associate with, and how you do everything. He wants your self-worth to revolve around him and he wants you to keep trying and keep hoping, and that’s why the narcissist does nice things for you. Right after the incidents that make your heart pound erratically, that make you freeze in fear, something wonderful will happen: that damn narcissist will go do something really nice and lavish attention on you and make you feel like the apple of their eye, just like when you first met…and you’ll be in his clutches again.
And soon, he’ll flip out. It’ll be because you gained weight, cooked spaghetti in a different way, talked to your friend or even left the house while he was at work. He’ll question everything you did while you were out, and he’ll express that he doesn’t like your friends,especially the independent ones. Suddenly you’re bombarded by insults, and because you love this person, the words rip right through you, destroying any good feelings you have about yourself. If you defend yourself, it will get worse. There’s a chance he’ll get violent….and that is really scary, especially if there are children involved.
Maybe he’ll only yell at you and you’ll yell back and cry and he’ll laugh at your tears. Maybe he’ll only throw something. The thing is, you never know, and that’s what makes you walk on egg shells: it’s unpredictable when he’ll go off, or when he’ll say something that makes you feel like you’re absolutely nothing. He’ll embarrass you in front of everyone, and then say it’s your fault if you get upset about it. He is faultless in all he does, completely blameless.
You never know when it will end, but you believe you love him. You even believe he loves you but just needs some help expressing it. You’ll do anything to save your relationship. You’ll analyze every reason there could possibly be for him being this way. Did he witness this growing up? Was he abused? Does he have issues with his mother? The truth is, none of that matters. He will never admit he has a problem, because in his eyes he is NOT capable of having flaws. How can you change if you can’t admit you have a problem?
That’s how survivors end up in therapy…because the narcissist won’t change himself, and demands that you lose yourself in order to love him. In all his subtle ways, he takes a piece of who you are away, until it’s too late and you don’t know how to find your way back.
Part 3 coming soon, so stay tuned!! Then we can talk about happier things! Yay! 🙂