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I like writing. Have I mentioned that?

Thinking about moving and why I want to move is a big thing for me. I’ve been thinking about this for awhile, on and off for almost a year.

And here the lease is ending in a few months, and I need to decide if I’m going to move or stay. And if I stay, how long am I staying for? I hate that I have to sign a lease to make rent payments cheaper. It’d be so much easier to decide to move in the spring. Maybe too many choices is a bad thing and I don’t need anymore…

Knowing who I am is a big deal to me, and the chance to stimulate my soul with experiences is so exciting. I want it so much. Just not all at once.

I want to be

lit from within by people I meet, even if only knowing them for a brief moment in time. I want to know something different, I want to give and make a difference by offering what I can to another.

The desire to experience the unknown sometimes drives me insane if there isn’t anything to be consumed in. This is how I learn, how I know, how I absorb the concept and depth of something, to be in it. To be consumed, to have the excitement and see where one thing can take you…I absolutely love it. It’s the way I feel when I listen to certain songs, as if I’m so involved in it, so focused on it, that my whole being is immersed and I love feeling this way. I love coming out of it and knowing I got to feel that way, to experience all of it. It is energizing. When I go too long without experiencing the creative process of whatever it is I want to be immersed in at the time, and I become discontent without always knowing why.

 

I get irritable and search for connections, inspirations, creative motivations out of whatever or whoever I come in contact with. It’s like a need that will not go away and does not fit into what I thought should be my lifestyle. I start doing things excessively, and I know it’s because I’m not expressing what I need to, and being creative has always been a way for me to do this. I love to write, to express, to purge myself of the intense thoughts and emotions that are inside me. I also want and need the stimulation to light that fire sometimes, when I’ve gone too long without just feeling everything there is to feel when my head is too full. Without creative expression, inspiration and motivation, I feel like I’m only existing.

I don’t know if moving is the answer to my problem. What I do know is that the answer will come soon. The more I write, the closer I am. I want change. I feel myself changing, and I’ve always been able to tell when I’m changing because my head and my heart are full of feelings and thoughts that are just begging to be sorted out and filtered, organized in a way that I can recognize what my soul is saying to me.

I hear you, soul.

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